Exhausted

I am so tired.

I am tired of fighting the world that tells me I am not quite good enough.
I am tired of fighting my looks, which tell me I am entitled to certain things I never ask for and don’t really want.
I am tired of fighting my intelligence, which tells me I am smart enough to handle certain things but am denied those things because that’s the way things are in this man’s world.
I am tired of denying my true self to keep other people from being threatened by me.
I am tired of suppressing my feelings and my beliefs so others will be more comfortable.

I am tired of a world that tells me the most important thing for an adult to do is to raise a child and then denies me the tools and means to do so. And then tells me I am useless if I am not a mother.

I am tired of being told I have too much experience, too little, too much education, not enough. I am tired of being told I am not the right person for the job.

I am tired of being told I am too opinionated, too aggressive, too pushy, too loud, too generous, too open, too giving. Too pretty, too smart, too sensitive.

I am tired but I will not apologize because I have been through way too much to get here and I’m not about to stop now. There are plenty of reasons to give up but that would be too easy.

So I guess I will continue to slog along, doing the best I can every day. And there is no guarantee that any of these things will change. In fact, it is entirely likely that I will continue to run into these issues every day for the rest of my life. And I suppose I can be ok with that.

But I am just so tired of fighting, tired of the battles inside my head, tired of dealing with it alone. Because that’s what happens to smart women who threaten the status quo—we are the ones who are marginalized and cast aside.

We are almost always alone, and it is exhausting.